Drey's Thankfulness: Losing me...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Losing me...

Hus wanna go on a diving trip… without me, cos they are doing tech diving. *speechless*

Technical diving – deeper, more complicated with the depth. Requires a lot more than the leisure skills that one may ever learn. Involves decompression and different gas mixture, I dunno how to make it any easier to understand.

I dint even really see the dates that he proposed to leave, I just got pretty upset at the thought of being left alone. I think it’ll be twice next month. One for the nation, 2nd for the diving trip… not only good things come in twos.

1138hrs
I finished my pre-lunch work already. I’m a little upset tdy… Moody and slow in everything. I cut my thumb while I was shifting Hus’ shaver this morning. A small but obstructive cut; my hand has to move with a lot of care.

I’m still thinking abt Hus’ decision to go on the dive trip. I totally understand how much he wants to do it, that’s why I dint say “could you not leave me alone? Please…”

I hate myself for not being a competent diver, or a tech diver that Hus might feel safe with me. I’m angry with myself for being clingy, needy and undesirable. I hate this feeling; hate it even more when it’s so out of control…

1551hrs.
I just got bang in the head, “wake up your idea!” Hus says he wouldn’t miss the trip because tech trips are hard to come by and he couldn’t wait for me forever. With my inadequate experience… it’ll take really long before I can be a tech diver… He highlighted that I haven really deploy a SMB as the best proof of inadequacy. I already know I’m not good enough and I’m not pushing it…*pulling my ears*

Well, I woke up definitely; harsh words that diminished me down to ZERO. I realized that I haven been diving enough. I took a year’s break for the wedding prep and to reduce expenses. Which means, I wont get any better by just reading abt diving…

When will I be able to see more wrecks should I remain where I am? Never! I should be taking up part time jobs to finance my up-coming plans in diving. More practice, get better and more diving. Safer and deeper, in trim and buoyancy…

Of course I’m affected when Hus said it… It’s hurtful like your spouse saying you’re not good enough for him or anything. And indeed, I felt it that way. During this time, it’s harder to see him as an instructor. Isn’t he somebody? He put tears in my eyes again…

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About Him

He's my Hus... Drives me crazy... We got married in Dec 2006 after a year plus courtship. A smart ass... A lover and a friend. An instructor and a mentor. He big time diving fanatic and a responsible worker. A patriotic soldier who's always on the ball, a good friend and a terrific sergeant that will go to the extent of packing men's bag. This guy loves his family and places them in top priority. Dependent on the God he was taught to fear by his Mum, very mindful of rights and wrongs. A very determined man which sometimes can be interpreted as obstinate; can be quite hard to work with. He's a big fan of TV, and sleeps with a grumpy look. Likes neatness but often fail in keeping things in place and tidy. He's surely gonna be my main character in my blog... so this list might be a good reference... Will update this from time to time.

About Him

He is borned Feb 23 2009... A good easy to handle baby so far. He's started teething around 5 months, his 1st tooth appeared on 6th Aug.

My Sister, Janna, consider him a "beginner stage, easy and 5 lives" type baby-gamers' lingo.

As he is a boy, he's very active. He can scream quite loudly. He loves the water. He loves taking baths. He sees his Papa as his toy, totally loves playing "catch" with Papa.

At 2 yrs 3 months, we're taking him out of diapers slowly. He's still in those when we're out or we're sleeping. But when are at home, he's in shorts and he now correctly identifies his pee calls and says "pee pee". He can do that for poo long ago, he signalled by "ng-ng". Probably, 1 yr 10 months.

He's still an easy little boy. Obedient and has a strong moral compass in him. Thank God for that. Terrible 2s is so not applicable to this animals lover.

His sentences now:

"Thaddeus eat myself"

"papa, watch (video) please.."

"papa wok (work)"

"papa, air-con please"

"Thaddeus eats is-kate (biscuits)''

"mei mei wait... pee pee"

"mei mei cry... mmm mmm (with gestures of cleaning tears off his face)"

"mummy, rice"

"bal-toon (balloon)"

About Her

Little Kayla; borned on the 7th July 2010, via elective C-section.

A little quiet (almost silent) character usually, keep her away from mommy, she can yell to her max. She can be quite demanding. She's already fighting for attention and toys with Brother Thaddeus at 8 months old. She also can wave goodbye around 8 months too.

She started crawling at 9 months; clapping, said "papa'' ''mama'' but not at the right people at 10 months. Stood up with support at 10months 2 wks; and able to transfer from crawling to sitting.

She walked at 16 months, she goes to school at 18 months and changed to another school in 2015 (age 5).

She's a sweet little mommy's girl. She wakes up every time I leave the room and gives me millions of hugs and kisses. She's never quiet since 3 years old. She's the heart and soul of our house; she cracks us up as much as she drives us crazy. A tiny little girl who has a will bigger than the sum of all of us at home. A challenging strong-willed child loved by us, gifted to us by God.

My 50 likes.

+ clean floors
+ Kay's laughters
+ good day at home
+ kids' new words
+ Thad swimming
+ baby movements in tummy
+ toothless smiles
+ Hus playing with Thad
+ Thad's laughters
+ Hus' smiles
+ FZ4246Z SuperFour
+ Thad's smiles
+ caesar salad
+ blackcurrent candies
+ smart shows
+ long bus ride on clean buses
+ muscles
+ neat houses
+ singing
+ hard candies
+ potato chips
+ clementi home
+ love songs
+ quiet kids
+ sweet dreams
+ hugs
+ wrecks
+ diving
+ satays
+ kway chap at pepys road
+ menstrations
+ windy days
+ waking up naturally
+ short phone chats with hus
+ crispy malay chicken wings
+ laughing loudly
+ Blueberry & BBQ Marshmellows
+ Glico; chocolate Collon
+ want want rice crackers
+ laughing at my hus
+ playing a fool with my family
+ eating rice with a fork

Why this Blog?

I always like to keep journals, because I wanna be reminded of things that has passed and forgotten; this applies to especially nice things. This blog is really not so much about being an open book and telling the blogging community about my private life. I do need an outlet to say things when I wanna say it and when people around me are not in listening mode. I usually get better after letting out what might be bothering me. By doing so, I will soon get over and probably forget the episode and I would be able function normally after writing. I had always preferred writing to talking, since I’m crippled in expressing my feelings of sadness and excitement; but I feel a lot… I used to keep diary but my hand-writing has deteriorated too much. And I couldn’t put pic for memory. I tried book-scrapping, but the tools I used to share with elder sis are no longer at my convenience since I moved after getting married. Adding on... Should i die suddenly, my love ones would have something to refer to? I'm afraid some of them might never know that i've always regarded them with this much of respect and love. I would appreciate your comments/advice when you will be able to encourage or help me. Sometimes, I think in circles. Sometimes, I dun know how to think/act/feel according to gender differences, during these times, I might even get depressed. Will the people who might be able to help this oxymoron , advise… Lastly, I think this will help me get by the emotional baggage that I might act on Hus sometimes. That even during the days when he upset me, I would still be able to greet him with a smile after his long work day. Students, pls DO NOT write the way i write if you're a frequent reader of my blog. I doubt this is acceptable in formal writting... and this isn't good english... ok?

A Wife of Noble Character (Prov 31:10-31)

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool & flax and works with eager hands. She's like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it's dark; she provides food for her family and portions food for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She see that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hands she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instructions is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.