I wonder what's wrong

I wonder what’s wrong… Tdy, I can’t access internet from my office again. I think this time is gonna be forever cos I did try to “break” the embargo like the previous times, but it not deterred.

Although I would be hopping mad previously, I’m not anymore.
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I even got bored with the ever-renewed internet… haha. Time would be harder to pass definitely (acting busy couldn’t be any tougher) and I couldn’t blog as often, it feels more than ok now.
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I feel awkward today, or should I say it started yesterday, after I woke up from my nap during lunch break. Although not the 1st time, I dreamt about myself younger. It feels uneasy to wake up 8 yrs older and so much had taken place.
In the dream I was younger where still there are a lot of decisions unmade and unclear… Some familiar music played in my head; I was drawn into the past where I was imagining what my future would be… and how it might be… It’s kind of different from the present definitely.

Let’s go down the memory lane, I used to be an academically norm kid in school. A little inferior when my sista was an academic achiever. I had planned to be on the route of non pre-University due to that. I wanted badly to go Singapore Polytechnic when I was still in Primary School, because then I thought there’s the only school where has a swimming pool for students. My cousin’s, Jazz, friend was in SP then.

When I got into Secondary level, I kind of get lost with the directions to everything. I still study and passed my courses, but without aim. The only thing that I was clear is that I prefer sciences to maths then to humanities. I got myself into SP for real, but this time not for the swimming pool and I had never swam there in my whole stay there. The pool was just next to a food court, not kidding!

I got into a science course, Chemical Process Technology. I was contemplating between business, marketing and Chem process then. My choice was due to the ease of getting into business courses after leaving tertiary education.

I had much fun in my growing up years, I wasn’t cute like my sisters but I got my share of popularity in my teenage years even though I do not have big eyes, straight teeth, not skinny and short. Sounds funny right? I think I broke a few hearts and was deemed unstable in relationships.

I always wanted to travel alone, I’m especially curious abt the states. I wonder are they, being fairer, as sought after in their own countries as they are in our grounds. Although I figured out that they too have black poo, low-income earners and prisons for naughty peeps; I’m still keen in doing that trip.

I wanna do it alone because I enjoy not speaking(I dun think I can dun speak to a person if I’m with a person, I would end up trying very hard to move to his/her pace, and missing out on things) and observing things at my own pace. Doing that feels like a biggest enjoyment…

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Getting married wasn’t like a “must do” in life, I’ve seen many unhappy married couples and contented singles. Hence, seeking contentment is obligatory. Be in any marital status, I’m Audrey and am happy. If I’m ever married, I wanna be a good and godly wife. One that doesn’t nag and grouch, love the husband above children; always thankful for the husband and loves God.

I want to be able to work and play well. Be willing to spend money to pamper myself. Study when I’m bored with work, work when I have no more money to carry on study. Travel to see different cultures and snow; dive to see things that have fallen into the sea from land or sky. I would be most happy to see for myself a civilization buried in waters to better convince myself of the big flood during Noah’s time.

So how much of these are really happening now? NOT much.

After I graduated from SP, I got into a job that I’ve been trained, that’s quite a blessing as most people couldn’t do what they’ve been trained in. Although my salary is humble, it’s considerably good for the industry.

I got married last year, quite young, when I was 23. I dun spend like I want to. I’m the wishy-washy type at spending, I hate buying unnecessary things. I'm not studying together with working, but my co. want to send me to further my studies.

I do not have time and money to travel. If I should do it, I think I won’t be alone.

I’m married, not a very cool wife as I hope myself to me. Sometimes I feel lonely when hus chose work above me, jealous when hus chose friends above me and invidious when hus looked at stunning ladies fondly.

I play music as I had always like, but I’m not excelling in it. Have little discipline to self-teach and too stingy to be taught professionally.

I packed my house the way I want to, I bundled my hair in an un-pretty way when I do housework. I try to keep my husband talking to me when I know sometimes he wants to be quiet. I make do with dirty home when I’m lazy. I'm not at all perfect no matter how hard I try to be. I feel like Bree in Desperate Housewife.

Time seems to pass especially slow for me everyday, I’m curious abt what will I be in 10-20 yrs, at the same time I hope to go back to 10-15 years.