okay... I know i said i'm gonna tell you abt the boys' trip, but i really need to blog this. I dreamt of Wee Beng last night. Why is it scary? I think i hardly can remember how he look like since i last saw him 2 yrs ago...
But in the dream, his face was so clear. I was hidding in the dream when i know he had already saw me... But eventually i came out of my hidding place(which is in water), to acknowledge him. Sigh... we chatted; a really long one. In the dream, he knew i'm married... he gave me a peck before we parted. That really shocked me since he's not a person like that.
Well, i did feel a little wrong to dream abt another man. But i really dun have control over my dreams mah... Why am i so scared? I felt very bad abt the breakup since we broke up, there isn't a clear reason why i make that decision but it happened anyway. Since then, the guilt has never decrease cos i found out more abt his life now.
Well, the start of the relnship isn't a very wise one. cos i only wanted a companion, a long-lasting one wouldn't be with him; this i know from the start although i tried to visualize us being together for a longer time... He was a little different, at our early twenties, he's thinking of laying strong foundation emotionally and financially. Our relnship carried on with little effort on my part, sometimes even hurled unreasonable demands like breaking up. He put up with me until i said it firmly that day.
He knew it was coming as i refused to meet up with him... he okayed it. I was surprised at his agreement since he had turned that request down a few times.
After the break-up, he wrote many accounts of his emotional swings for the 1st few months when he left me alone. then after abt a yr, he showed them to me. Those words sank my heart, but my heart was with my then bf, now hus. I felt indebted to Beng who had felt so much for me. He was even reprimanded by his mother when i chose to leave, she insisted that he has mishandled the relnship and losing a great girl. What have i done to deserve such liking?
Beng hasn't really got over it, it's been 2 yrs. His conversation with our common friends still revolves around me, my life, my marriage, his feelings and once upon a time-fondness... I wanted to apologise for my crappy departure reason and tell him that he dun have to think of me the way he's doing it bcos that's going to be a major social hurdle, but i can't bring myself to do it. I ridicule at my coward behaviour to be forthright abt my fault and i've been told that he's not really to see me. I guess i've been avoiding him as much as he's been avoiding me; Singapore is really not a big place.
But in the dream, his face was so clear. I was hidding in the dream when i know he had already saw me... But eventually i came out of my hidding place(which is in water), to acknowledge him. Sigh... we chatted; a really long one. In the dream, he knew i'm married... he gave me a peck before we parted. That really shocked me since he's not a person like that.
Well, i did feel a little wrong to dream abt another man. But i really dun have control over my dreams mah... Why am i so scared? I felt very bad abt the breakup since we broke up, there isn't a clear reason why i make that decision but it happened anyway. Since then, the guilt has never decrease cos i found out more abt his life now.
Well, the start of the relnship isn't a very wise one. cos i only wanted a companion, a long-lasting one wouldn't be with him; this i know from the start although i tried to visualize us being together for a longer time... He was a little different, at our early twenties, he's thinking of laying strong foundation emotionally and financially. Our relnship carried on with little effort on my part, sometimes even hurled unreasonable demands like breaking up. He put up with me until i said it firmly that day.
He knew it was coming as i refused to meet up with him... he okayed it. I was surprised at his agreement since he had turned that request down a few times.
After the break-up, he wrote many accounts of his emotional swings for the 1st few months when he left me alone. then after abt a yr, he showed them to me. Those words sank my heart, but my heart was with my then bf, now hus. I felt indebted to Beng who had felt so much for me. He was even reprimanded by his mother when i chose to leave, she insisted that he has mishandled the relnship and losing a great girl. What have i done to deserve such liking?
Beng hasn't really got over it, it's been 2 yrs. His conversation with our common friends still revolves around me, my life, my marriage, his feelings and once upon a time-fondness... I wanted to apologise for my crappy departure reason and tell him that he dun have to think of me the way he's doing it bcos that's going to be a major social hurdle, but i can't bring myself to do it. I ridicule at my coward behaviour to be forthright abt my fault and i've been told that he's not really to see me. I guess i've been avoiding him as much as he's been avoiding me; Singapore is really not a big place.
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